After you’ve been in a toxic relationship, it’s normal to feel nervous about re-entering the dating scene. Our past relationships can affect how we approach dating, and if we’ve had bad experiences, the idea of forming new connections can feel really overwhelming. That’s why it’s important to go slow and give yourself time to heal after a breakup.
Figuring out what you need from a future partner is a great place to start, as it helps you know what to look for. For example, you might need extra reassurance during those first initial dates, or you might need a partner who understands why it takes you longer to feel comfortable opening up. You might need a space to express your worries without judgment. All of this is good. It’s part of understanding what makes you feel safe. Once you know what you need, you’ll know your limits and boundaries.
To help, our expert partners at Bloom, the free, online trauma support program for survivors, have put together tips on how to date again after a toxic relationship.
Know your past doesn’t dictate your future
Remember, just because you’ve been in a toxic relationship doesn’t mean your next relationship is going to follow a similar pattern. Those negative experiences don’t reflect your worth or the kind of love you deserve.
“By separating your identity from the unhealthy dynamics of your last relationship, you can approach dating with a fresh mindset,” says Aishwarya Dattani, a trauma-informed therapist partner for Bloom. “What’s key, is to understand that one person’s wrongdoing doesn’t dictate your future experiences or happiness.”
To move forward, reflect on what you’ve learned. Set clear boundaries, practice self-love, seek support from loved ones, and take it slow as you start dating again.
Understand what you’re holding onto
If you’ve been in a toxic relationship, you might find yourself bringing past experiences into new interactions. That’s totally normal—but it’s good to be mindful of when and why you’re doing it.
“Unresolved issues, trust issues, or hurt feelings can create a barrier to genuine connection and understanding,” says Aishwarya. “These lingering effects can cause comparisons and misplaced expectations, which may also lead to projecting past grievances onto a new partner.”
When you take a moment to notice what you’re holding onto, you’ll start to see things from a new perspective. Journaling and meditation can be useful tools when moving on from a toxic partner. Writing your thoughts down helps you practice self-acceptance, and meditation helps you stay present.
“This awareness is essential for building healthy, mutually fulfilling relationships based on the realities of the present, rather than the past,” adds Aishwarya.
Re-establish a sense of safety
When you feel unsafe, your nervous system can kick into “fight or flight” mode. You’re probably already familiar with these, but there are other responses too—like freeze, flop, and friend or fawn. These are just your body’s way of reacting to a threat, getting you ready to either face it or run. They send messages to our nervous systems to release adrenaline and cortisol, which puts the body on high alert. It’s an involuntary survival response and if you’ve experienced trauma, you can develop an exaggerated or overactive response over time.
“Fight or flight makes it harder for you to think clearly, solve problems, and make decisions,” explains Aishwarya. “These skills are important when thinking about potential partners. So re-establishing a sense of safety in that arena is essential.”
There are different ways you can try and do this. Mindfulness exercises can help ground you in the present, but CBT and breathwork can also be useful tools.
“Breathing exercises are great tools to have on hand—we have lots of different ones over on Bloom,” says Aishwarya. “They can help you to calm your ‘F’ responses and encourage your body and mind to engage with the here and the now—not stay stuck in the trauma of the past.”
Identify and set boundaries
Setting boundaries after experiencing toxic or abusive relationships can be tough. Traumatic experiences can make you feel disconnected from your emotions. It takes time to rebuild that trust in yourself when dating after a toxic relationship.
“Any toxic or abusive relationship, not just in our romantic relationships but in relationships with our families and friends, makes it much more difficult to identify and set boundaries,” says Irene Serrano Neira, part of Bloom’s 1:1 messaging team. “You may have unintentionally normalized many behaviors, attitudes, and feelings—both in others and in ourselves—that go beyond the limits of what is healthy.”
Consider the physical boundaries you might set on a first date. If you’re not comfortable with any physical or sexual contact, that’s a totally valid boundary to lay down. Remember, boundaries are about what you prefer, not about controlling what others do. Some people might think boundaries are about saying ‘no,’ but they actually help you say ‘yes’ to the things that feel right for you.
To help you reconnect and understand your feelings, here are some prompts from Irene:
- What is it about this person that makes you feel positive, excited, or interested?
- Are there any difficult feelings coming up? What are they?
“Another key thing to remember, is that even after doing all this work, you may still encounter toxic individuals,” says Aishwarya. “This is not a failure; rather, it’s an opportunity for you to recognize the signs of a toxic relationship (or person), and establish boundaries.”
The key to dating after a toxic relationship is to take things at your own pace. The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. Whether you’re single, dating one person, or seeing a few, self-love is what really brings you peace and happiness in the long run.
Bloom is a free, online trauma support program for survivors in our community. Designed for anyone who has experienced sexual harassment, assault, abuse or violence, all courses are packed with information, guidance, exercises, everyday tools, and comforting words to help cope with traumatic events. Bloom has free online courses on recovering from toxic and abusive relationships, and dating, boundaries, and relationships. Sign up for free here.
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